From eugene@amelia.nas.nasa.gov Tue Aug 1 13:16:12 EST 1995 Article: 6674 of rec.climbing Xref: news.nsw.CSIRO.AU rec.climbing:6674 Path: news.nsw.CSIRO.AU!mel.dit.csiro.au!merlin!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!msunews!uwm.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!news.uoregon.edu!gatech!swrinde!sgigate.sgi.com!enews.sgi.com!ames!cnn.nas.nasa.gov!amelia.nas.nasa.gov!eugene From: eugene@amelia.nas.nasa.gov (Eugene N. Miya) Newsgroups: rec.climbing Subject: [l/m 6/15/95] Humor (26/28) r.cli FAQ Followup-To: poster Date: 26 Jul 1995 13:35:06 GMT Organization: NASA Ames Research Center, Moffett Field, CA Lines: 1404 Distribution: world Message-ID: <3v5gaa$idn@cnn.nas.nasa.gov> Reply-To: eugene@amelia.nas.nasa.gov (Eugene N. Miya) NNTP-Posting-Host: amelia.nas.nasa.gov From: al@debra.dgbt.doc.ca (Al Black) Re: Benefit of colonic irrigation to climbers In article Craig Avis writes: > >Would colonic irrigation be considered a form of aid climbing????? No, its the sport climbing equivalent of the traditional practise called "anal flossing". Here is the entry from the rec.climbing.softbody FAQ. ------ How should I stop falling on higher grade climbs like 5.2 or 5.3? The obvious answer to your question is to stop climbing at level where you fall a lot, go have a beer or six, get some donuts, and read some rec.climbing. But if you persist you might consider anal flossing -- a technique developed by the young yodeling zen masters in Vienna. Simply lead climb with the rope between your legs at all times, and have your belayer stand well back from the wall. After several attempts at the crux that spits you off, a higher state of consciousness will be obtained, and you will suddenly find to motivation to pull through (see below). Step One -------- View from the back View from the side. 0 0 ----- <- leader |--| <- leader | | / / \ | -\ | | \ | | \ | <- rope | \ <-rope | | \ | | \ | | \ 0 | \ 0 ----- <- second | \--| <- second | | /\ / \ Step Two --------- x <- pro | |x <- pro | || | <- rope || | || 0 |\ 0 ----- <- leader |-\| <- leader | |_/\ / \ | \ <-rope | | \ | | \ | | \ 0 | \ 0 ----- <- second | \--| <- second | | /\ / \ Repeat .... al -- Friends don't let friends read Usenet al@debra.dgbt.doc.ca ae677@freenet.carleton.ca Drum roll. It begins: alt.fan.monty-python? Preview of coming rapellings.... The Life of Bruce. "People's Popular Front of Joshua Tree have volunteered you to organise the scism from the Front for Joshua Tree's Popular People." ... This FAQ is rated R for "run out" by the UCRA. Subject: Rex Dot Climbing and the Search for the Holy Grail (humor?) (ominous/dramatic background music) Rex Dot Climbin & den Holie Grailen KLETTERN och den Hoilen Grailen written by Steve Lindell "Bicycle Repair man" # (If gravity warps space-time, do grave thoughts warp your mind?) # Why does it seem like I rewrite the whole thing every time I try to # add a bit? I must be trad writer who must lower and pull all gear # before making another attempt. ^L With: Wik The climbing party: Sir Hildenbrand "the original." Sir Bailey "The Off Width." Sir Karnes. Sir Slime. Sir Perens. Sir Bruce Vernon. Sir Eric, the 'alf bee. And numerous small furry creatures The guilty party: Sir Bruce Ilana Stern, Big Sister to rec.climbing Annie Butler Elliott Joe Pullara Neal Ian Mitchell G.J. Waldron Eric Hirst Sam Linzell Dave Kumpf Kobus Barnard Chris Webster Steve Newby Struan Gray wik And mani interesting furry animals including the majestik moose ^L Edited by: Eugene My hEN Continuity Screenplay My hEN Klettern Ni e Sverge this summer? ^L Transport provided by DARPA Jag olska Cloud berries med Silta ^L STOP, THE PEOPLE HIRED TO DO THE SUBTITLES HAVE BEEN SACKED. WE NOW RESUME THE CREDITS REDONE AT GREAT EXPENSE OF TIME AND MONEY. ^L ( Latin beat background music ) Musical score by Lorenzo Llama Starring a cast of 50 Bolivian mountain llamas Tibetan casting by Dali Llama ^L >[Much evidence of a slow day at work deleted...] Meanwhile, rub some gravel in your hair for lunch & get back in [climbing] gear! I always thought that a parody of Holy Grail would make a good climbing movie. --Steve Lindell This sucketh mightily. --A reviewer ^L Opening scene: England (not) 1994 A.D. Opening scene: dramatic music with many horns. A foggy day with the wind blowing the mists through the sparse trees. A rutted logging road fades over a rise. In the distance a clanking and wheezing sound is heard that sounds strangely like a red VW micro-bus trying to work its way up the road. Soon over the rise appears a figure dressed in a rugby shirt and white painter pants pretending to drive as he bounces along. Behind him carrying a massive rack with the bongs banging together and wheezing under the load is his belay servant. To repeat: A rutted road with the sound of clanging metal like a VW Bus banging up it. Fade back to King Arthur walking up the road pretending to drive with his muse behind banging 2 bongs together (could include a 4 pack a day smoker to get the proper wheezing effects in). They continue on until they come to a small crag with a couple of climbers top roping a route. The belayer looks at the new arrivals and shouts: "Who goes there?" ARTHUR (shouts) : It is I, Arthur, Son of Ulam of Boulder, First ascentionist of the Dragon, Winner of the Saxon pumpfest, from Yosemite, King of the Climbers. Belayer: Pull my other one. Arthur: It is I, Arthur, and my servant, Patey. We have traveled the length and breadth of America looking for climbers to join us. We have come to talk to your lord and leader. Belayer: You've got bongs there, and your banging them together, where did you get them? Arthur: We found them. Belayer (with an English accent similar to that of Eric Idle): But bongs are used in the mountains and this is the Mid-West. Arthur: The cliff swallow may fly west with the sunset and the chickadee may visit alpine zones, yet they are not strangers to our plains. Belayer: Are you suggesting that pitons migrate? Arthur: They could be carried. It could grip the eye or lightening holes. Belayer: It is not a question of how it grips it. A 5 oz. bird cannot carry a 1 pound piece of steel. Arthur: But, it doesn't matter how they got here! Belayer: In order to maintain airspeed a swallow must beat its wings 43 times per second. Another belayer shouts over: "It could be carried by a Canadian Goose...." Belayer: True, but Canadian geese only migrate north-south not east-west Belayer2 (coming in late): That's an unladen swallow. If they were two and walking and dragging. Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together or it had these holes drilled in it like this. Belayer: Suspended by a runner between them? Belayer2: Carried under their dorsal feathers. They could be carried. He could carry it with a sling. Belayer: Even using a girth hitch. Belayer2: No, no, no. Not enough tension. Arthur and Patey ride off leaving the belayers debating the flight characteristics of swallows and geese. (Type II.) Arthur and Bruce travel past a concession stand when they stop to ask some elderly looking tourists stepping out of their Winnebago decked out with TV antennas and lawn chairs on their way to Camp 4. They set up a top rope and start climbing up a near by crag, rope trailing down to the belayer in the Winnie door way. King Arthur meets the two local climbers on the 5.4 and asks directions. Arthur: "Old woman. Old woman." "I'm not an old woman. My name is Wayne." Wayne's second: "Oy so your a big wall climber are you?" Wayne: "Using aid to subjugate the rock do you?" Wayne's second: "Oh and who do we have here coming along with 3 belayers?" Arthur: "It is I, Arthur, your king and guidebook author." Wayne: "What I object to is the way you automatically treat me as an inferior. By exploiting the workers. By hangin' on to imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there is ever going to be any progress....." Wayne: "I thought we were climbing in a free climbing zone." Wayne's second: "There you go bringing class into it again." Wayne: "You're fooling yourself. We're climbing in a dictatorship, where self-appointed ethics dictators come in and try to tell us what to do. *WELL,* here, we let local ethics rule. You come waltzing in here and expect us to follow your ethics. If we want to retrobolt these climbs, then we can." Wayne: "We get together at the bar and vote on what the ethics are going to be this week" Arthur: "You don't vote on ethics, they are divinely granted along with the rock you climb..." Wayne: "That may have been OK when all you had were PAs or Robbins boots, but nowadays..." Arthur begins to back off... Wayne: "Who appointed you ethicist?" Arthur: "The lady of the cliff; her arm clad held aloft Excalibur. Signifying that I, Arthur, may lead by devine providence." Wayne: "Listen, strange women lying in tarns distributing hardware is no basis for a rating system. ... you can't expect to wield supreme executive power. Just because some fossilized tart threw a piton hammer at you doesn't an expedition leader make. Supreme route picking power derives from the mandate of the party." Arthur: "*RIGHT!* Time to split or moderate this news group." And draws his hammer. Wayne: "Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help, I'm being suppressed!" Arthur, fed up, leaves. Just hear tourists discussing the relative merits of Stealth vs. Boreal rubber for thin smears fading off into the distance ... Continuing. Klanking bongs, I mean klanking VW sounds. Arthur and Patey enter the wood and spy two climbers bouldering next to a bridge. Up, then fall down. Up, and then fall down. One finally climbs too high, falls and dies. Arthur and Patey look at each other, shake heads up and down, impressed. The survivor climbs down very slowly, deliberately, a hood covers his head. Survivor: "NONE SHALL PASS." Arthur: "You climb with the strength of many men...Join me. Will you join me?" Knight: "NONE SHALL PASS." Arthur: "Will you join me?" Silence. Arthur: "I must climb this pitch." Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Then you shall wait." Arthur: "But I am your King, the leader of the expedition." Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "I move for no man." The Knight falls off of the jam ripping his arm off. Arthur: "Now stand aside worthy adversary." Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "T'is but a scratch." Arthur: "Your arm is off." Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "I've had worse." Arthur: "Come on you Patey." The Knight again falls off the jam, ripping the other arm off Arthur: "Victory is mine" Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Oh, you've had enough have you?" Arthur: "Look you stupid bastard, you have no arms left." Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Just a flesh wound." Arthur gives him a push and he slides down the friction pitch wearing his legs off. Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Chicken.." Arthur: "What are you going to do, bleed on me?" Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Alright we'll call it a draw." Arthur shrugs. Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Come back here, I'll chew your ropes up..." Fading. Klanking bongs, I mean klanking VW sounds into the distance. The band comes over a rise and there is motley collection of tents set up Sir Hildenbrand "the original:" "Camp 4." Sir Lungelot: "Camp 4" Sir Slime: "Camp 4" with a far off sigh. Sir Galatrad: "Camp 4." Sir Bailey: "Camalot?" Arthur: "On second thought let's not go to Camp 4. It's a silly place. The party proceeds, when up in the sky the clouds part and a face appears. Gene deep clearly artificial voice: "Arthur.... Arthur, King of the Britons... Oh, don't grovel. If it's one thing, I can't stand it's people groveling." Arthur: "Sorry," groveling. Gene: "And don't apologize. Everytime I try to talk to someone it's 'Sorry this', and 'Forgive me' that. And 'I'm not worthy.' What are you doing now?" Arthur: "I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord" squinting and shielding eyes. Gene: "Well don't. It's like those miserable Shooting Star Guides. They're so depressing. NOW. KNOCK IT OFF." Arthur: "Yes Lord." Gene: "RRRight." Gene: "Arthur King of the Britons, your climbers of the Round Tent shall have a task to make them an example in these Dark Times. Climb the 'Holy Grail.' [editor note: first ascent by J. Christ using 4 nails and a large wooden cross to protect the chimney section (the original Triton? or #87 big bro?)]. Eternal hardman status is to be granted to the second ascent party." Arthur: "Good idea. Lord." Gene: "Of course, it's a good idea. ... It is your sacred task. ... That is your purpose. The quest for the Holy Grail." Gene - hands down the 10 FAQs to Moses (A. Sanderson) who worked on access to the undersea cliffs in the Red Sea, granted but then the access is revoked when the army starts to use the cliffs... climbs the mount to return with the 10 FAQs - - Thou shall not bear false headers. - NO ABBERS (abseiling is not climbing). - Thou shall not covet thy neighbors rack. - NO ABBERS. - There shall be no graven images (no copying guidebooks). - NO ABBERS... ... by the way, mind if we call you Bruce? - whoops wrong parody. Sir Lungelot: "A blessing, God, be praised." The climbers strike out in search of the mythical route. The scene changes to a crowded base camp along the snout of a glacier. A voice becomes distinct. "Bring out your dead, bring out your dead!" "Bring out your dead, bring out your dead!" Straun leads a wagon rolling through the camp loaded with blocks of ice with stray body parts sticking out (some with obviously used bits of rappel anchors still attached). A man climbs out of a tent and shoulders his old partner (complete with lederhosen and manila rope), "I've got one for you here." Straun: "But that doesn't look dead to me, he's still twitching." The mountaineer moves his head and croaks (worried): "Oh, oh. But, I'm not dead yet." Man(may we call him George): "But it won't be long now, what with 200$ access fees. And he smells like he died 3 months ago." [Historian pops in: George was to go on to fame for his contriverisal book on the theory that climbing ability in inherited - The Bell Curve] Mountaineer: Well you don't smell to good yourself, at least I bathed at that Wendy's last month. Straun: I can't take him unless he is actually dead, just decomposing isn't enough. George: Well you wouldn't want him littering the upper slopes now would you? Straun: "Well ... ok, but just tell him to keep quiet and tie some of these slings around his femur." Arthur "drives" through a throng of tourists milling around the KOA campground. Straun: "There goes a climber." Man: "Why?" Straun: "He's the only one covered in shit." Fade into a scene at the bottom of a cliff, Gregorian type chants are heard punctuated by grunts at regular intervals. As the camera moves in, we can see a line of climber/monks dressed in brown lycra chanting and then trying to stuff their feet into shoes obviously 6 sizes too small for their feet. We leave Fort Collins, and the scene changes to the primitive village of Boulder: In the town square a mob is building, street vendors are hawking tofu burgers in the background. A woman is thrust up onto the platform. "She's a witch; she's a witch who else would have 10 pounds of hair." "How do you know she's a which?" said by a stately Sir Bruce. "Well, she turned me into a newt" "A newt?" "....Well, I got betta." "BURN HER." "Now that is not enough, we must prove it scientifically. So state your format," said Sir Bruce. "Well, lets see..." "She climbs the side of sheer mountains..." "She is able to predict the weather by giving incantations to a flashing box." "Ok, lets go with the first one, since any good wizard can predict the weather with only some goat bones. Now, if she is a witch climber, she would be attacted by the devil, and what mountain is named for the devil?" said Sir Bruce. The Net crowd: "Devils's Tower" "And how was Devil's tower first climbed?" Net Crowd: "With wooden stakes." "And what is a characteristic of wooden stakes?" Net Crowd: "You hammer them?" "No, something else." Net Crowd: "They float!" "Yes, and what else floats?" Net Crowd: "A duck?" "Yes, so if she is a climber of the devil, she must float, and therefore weigh the same as a duck." Net Crowd: "Bring out the scales!" Ilana is put on the scales with a duck and they balance .... The net crowd goes wild. They take her away. Ilana: "At least, it was a fair trial..." Sir Bruce: "My lege." King Arthur: ""Brave climber what be thy name?" Sir Bruce: "I am Sir Bruce Ledacliff." Sir Bruce joins Arthur. Narrator: And thus Arthur begins his journey and is soon joined by: "Sir Ledacliff. The first." (A climber with a modern ethic. Mostly trad routes but he has been known to clip bolts on practice routes). Narrator: "Sir Lungealot the Brave." (A mountaineer of the modern idiom. Thinks nothing of ice climbs where every third belay actually has an anchor in. Solos new routes just to make it interesting). Narrator: "Sir Galatrad the Pure." ( A clean cut trad climber with a rack of hexes and stoppers, since cams are a form of aid in his mind). Narrator: "Sir Robbin the not quite so brave as Lungealot Who had nearly climbed a Moderate Severe on Gritstone. Who had nearly climbed the Bachar Yearin. Who personally wet himself on the Pikes Peak highway." (A punk sport climber who topropes 5.13 in the gym wearing lycra, no shirt and only has quickdraws clipped on his harness.) Narrator: "Sir not appearing in this film." (An infant wearing climbing booties climbing out of its crib). Arthur and the Old Man Arthur is meeting with an old mystic around a campfire in the woods Arthur: "So tell me old man, where is the holy grail?" Old man: "You must find the enchanter that lives on Mount Whitney. He knows of a cave which no non-limber has rappelled. There is much danger for beyond the cave . You must enter the rec.caving newsgroup from which 40-50 RFDs have entered and none have come out alive. Then you must hand traverse the Gorge of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed. Then you must Tyrolean traverse the Bridge of Death." Arthur turns around and the old man is gone. Guided by a vision of The Golden Summit Register, they all scramble at the base of where the route is believed to start (a desert tower). They start struggling up the loose rock. Sir Galatrad the Pure does the leading, so it can be done hammerless free. As they approach the summit a head pops over the edge looking down at them. A French voice calls out. Voice: "Hellooo." Galatrad: "Hello? Who is it?" Gregue Eupland: "This is the crag of my master Yvon Chouinard." Arthur and Galatrad stare at each other in shock and disbelief. Arthur: "Ask your master if he would like to join our quest." Gregue: "And wat iz zat you silly man?" Arthur: "To find the one true Holy Grail and make the second ascent." Gregue: "Ha, He did it in '63 and left the elderberry stains to prove it." Arthur: "Can we look at it?" (Puzzled.) Gregue: "Of course not, you are English." Arthur: "Are you not English?" Gregue: "Why do you think I have this outrageous accent? Ka nig its. Ka lime bees. You smelt of elder berries and small rrrodents. I shall taunt you a second time." They are initially bombarded with a Bosch, battery packs, drill bits, bolts, etc. as the French yell "Trad away, Trad away...". At this point, Gregue begins weilding a dead cat, hitting a rec.climber with every swing. A cry of "Rap away, Rap away." rises as the climbers all beat a hasty retreat. Right, charge. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. In a hidden protected glade with a view back to the tower: Sir Lungelot: "I have plan, Sir. Look if we built this large wooden badger...." Another climber: "No, no, no..." The sound of much hammering, drilling, sewing, machines. Trying to gain entrance to the tower, they construct a giant haul bag.... The haul bag is left hanging at the base of the tower. The French suspiciously look around and haul the bag up the tower. Sir Lungelot: "And now we pop out of the bag hanging from the tower..." Arthur realizes Lungelot forgot to get into the bag before placing it. A famous climbing historian/commentator appears: "King Arthur dejected, decides to separate." Suddenly a large rock fall cause by a higher climber sweeps the historian away. The Tale of Sir Robbins Sir Robbins drove off with his band of Minstrels (a rap group) to keep him company. Singing: Yo, bravely bold Sir Robbins rode forth from Lungealot He was not afraid to die This is the tale of Brave Sir Robbins He was not afraid to be killed in nasty ways nor scared to be maimed He was not afraid to have his protection pull and elbows broken Or kneecaps split and body bashed and turned useless He was not afraid to have his head smashed ... An uneasy Sir Robbins breaks in: That's enough music for now As Sir Robbins rides along the plains, he soon 4th classes to the Needles of South Dakota and a group of three hard core climbers. Hard cores (at once): "Er, What's this?" Minstrel pipes in: "Brave Sir Robbins" Hard cores (at once): "What are you here for?" Minstrel: "TO CLIMB!" (sung very loudly.) "Brave sir Robbins only climbs 5.12" Robbins: "Oh, nothing really, I was just going to boulder a bit" Hard Cores: "Why don't you come along with us?" Climber 1: "I say we send him up the squeeze chimney." Climber 2: "No, He should go up the tower over there, you can't protect either of them anyway." Climber 3: "Oh, why don't we just let him climb at Rushmore, someone has already bolted it." The climbers start to argue about which route Robbins should try first and when they can break for Power Bars and Gatorade. When they turn around Robbins is nowhere to be found. Minstrel singing: "Brave sir Robbins ran away Bravely ran away." Sir Robbins: "No, I didn't.. "When runout reared its ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled.. "No, that's not right.. "Brave sir Robbins turned about and he chickened out. He thought of protection beneath his feet and he beat a very brave retreat.. Fade. Back to King Arthur and Patey. (Scene -- Arthur and Patey are climbing a hard friction route.) Arthur: I'm 50 feet past my last piece, darkness is closing in fast, and I think we're off route. Patey: Could be worse. Arthur: How! Patey: Could be raining. (Sound of thunder. Both look up at the sky as deluge starts.) The tale of Sir Galatrad. In another part of the country, driving rain. Sir Bruce is thrutching up a desperate off width a tube chock pulls out and rattles down the rope stopping with a clang when it hits his belayer's stitch plate. He struggles over the top to see a golden summit register glowing through the fog. He goes on and enters a door meeting two "way honed rock babes" outfitted in white lycra. Galatrad: "What place this this?" Female1: "This is the Climbing Gym Anthrax." Female2: Its not a very good name. Oh but we are very very nice." Female1 calls: "Midget, Crapper. Zoot." More women appear. Galatrad: "Can I eat Spam?" Female1: "Spam hasn't been invented yet." Galatrad: "Well, I came here for an argument." Female2: "Oh, you want the door down the hall which reads, 'Usenet'" in a high sopparno voice. Galatrad: "Thats quite alright thank you." Female1: "And who might you be?" Galatrad: "I am Sir Galatrad the chaste." Female2: "You have suffered much. Our life must seem very dull. We are but eight score blonds and brunnets all between sixteen and nineteen and a half. Cut off in this gym with no one to guide us. Chalking,... climbing,... lowering,... recharging our batteries on our Bosches. We are not used to handsome alpinists in our midsts." Female1: "Look, your hands are all cut up, let them examine you." Galatrad: "They are doctors?" Female2: "They post about basic medical training..." Galatrad: Torment me no longer. I have seen the grail. Female3: "Dingo." Galatrad: I seek the grail. Female3: Oh no. Bad bad Zoot. Wicked, bad, naught, evil. Our neon sign is (dejected) summit register shaped. Galatrad: I must go on with my quest. Female3: We have but one punishment. You must tie her in and belay her. And after the spanking, then the bolting... Galatrad: Oh I could stay a bit longer. Sir Lungealot breaks in: "What is going on here?... Quick. You are in great danger" Galatrad: "Let me tackle them single handed, there are only 150 of them, I can chop their bolts." Sir Lungealot (quickly): "We were in the nick of time." He is holding his pack in front of him as a shield. Galatrad: "Oh let me just have a little bit of peril." Sir Galatrad begins to waver. Zoot: "By hangdogging you can improve your ability sooo much faster," in the voice of a Siren. Lungealot: "Silence!" Galatrad: "I could have pulled them,. there were only 1500 bolts" Lungealot: "The risk is too great." Galatrad: "I could have tried." Galatrad the Chaste: "Oh, Damn!" Behind the door, Zoot: "Shit!" Sir Lungealot: "I don't think I was." Sir Galtrad: "I bet you are stoned." Sir Lungealot: "No, I'm not." Galatrad collects himself and continues on, still virginal to the vices of sport climbs. At this point they decide to seperate. Arthur and Bruce "drive" on into a spooky section of the range and notice shapes moving about in the trees, suddenly out pop some tall men in Smokey the Bear hats. Arthur: "Who are you?" Bear hats: "We are the rangers who say, 'Scree!'" Arthur: "We are but simple travellers." Arthur as aside to Bruce: "Very few Usenet groups survive after confronting the Rangers who say Scree. We should do as they say." Atrhur: "What would you wish?" Rangers: "Your impact it too high, so you must appease us." The Rangers confer then say: "Bring ... us some shrubbery." Arthur: "You are just and fair." Rangers: "Nice, and not too expensive. Suddenly, a SECOND group of rangers appear: "*WE* are the Rangers Who Say 'Take!'" "Take! Take! Take!" Bruce covers his ears in pain. "No one said we had to be true to Python. Take! Take! Take!" And they head off. Arthur and Bruce come into an REI and request some shubbery from the young clerk and also a Fish Gear bolt kit. Clerk: We only stock Goretex items here. Bruce: "Dead cat." The clerk shirks backward. Arthur: "Take!" Clerk: "Do your worst." Arthur: "Take!" Clerk: "No never." A passing lawyer: "Are you saying 'Take' to that woman? Oh what sad times are these when evil sport climbers can say 'Take' at will to a poor trad. There is a pestilance upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shubberies are under considerable economic stress." Arthur: "Are you an Access Fund member and shubber?" "I am a shrubber." Lungealot retreats to the Access Fund and returns with shrubbery and some trail maintenance. Upon returning to the Rangers who say scree, the rangers thank them for the shubbery and inform them that they are no longer the rangers who say scree. Lungealot: "We have brought you a shrubbery." Park.ranger 1: "It is a good shrubbery. Park.ranger 2: "I like the laurels particularly. Park.ranger 3: "We are no longer the knights who say. 'Scree.'" Park.ranger 1: "We are now the rangers who say, 'Statute 1542 part B section 87 paragraph 3 and demand more shubbery to form a nice two-tiered effect and some pea gravel to put on the paths so we don't get our shoes muddy when it rains. Then you may pass and climb in the park. Rangers: And for us, you must remove a bolt in the hardest granite with a dead herring. Arthur asks, "What modifications are acceptable in the wilderness areas in light of the corrals erected by horse packers?" Ranger 1: "Don't say that word." Lungelot: "What word?" Ranger 2: "We can't say what it is now can we?" At this point Robbins and Galatrad meet up with Lungealot and Arthur, and they all "drive" off while the Rangers argue among themselves. Ranegrs: "Hey, where did they go?" Along the side of the trail are the tourists (Wayne) are currently discussing whether a 20 ft factor 1 fall really generates less force than a 10 ft factor 2 fall. The Tale of Sir Lungealot Open with a scene of a father talking to his son. Son: "But, father, I don't want to climb with her I just want to sport rappel." Father: "You must. She has access to large tracts of cliffs. "But I don't want any of that. I don't want to climb." "Stop that. Look Alex." "Herbert. I built this climbing wall in the middle of swamp, they said it couldn't be done, but I did it anyway. The first wall sunk into the swamp, so I built it again, The second wall sunk into the swamp. The third wall tipped over and then sunk into the swamp, but the fourth wall is what you see here. I built this from nothing and now you deny me access to those large tracts of cliffs? Stay here until I come to get you." Father to porter: "Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this tent." The son ties a note to a "lost arrow" and throws it down the cliff. Cut to Sir Lungealot climbing up the cliff when a piton strikes his belayer in the head. "Arrgh!" Blood all over the place. Lungelot: "Patey? Speak to me." Sir Lungealot takes the note and reads the call of distress. "Help ! I am tied to a tall tower on swamp climbing wall," read the note. Lungelot: "Brave, brave Patey. You shall not have died in vain." Patey: "I'm not quite dead sir." A faint distance voice can be heard: "Bring out your dead." Lungelot: "Well, You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain." Patey: "I think I may pull though." Lungelot: "You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain." Patey: "I feel much better, I could come with you?" Lungelot: "Oh? I see. Just stay here, until I accomplish a daring and heroic search and rescue in my own particular idom? idiom, that the word..." Patey: "I'll just stay here, sir." Lungelot quickly scrambles up knocking all kinds of rocks down showering Patey and making him eat dust. A moment later. Lungealot crashes onto the crag, SOLOING by, he pushes an entire class of Mazamas off the ledge in his rush to rescue the "maiden" in distress. Upon reaching the son sitting on his portaledge fondling his camo harness and figure 8. Alex: "You have come to rescue me." Lungealot is sneering in disgust, when the father bursts in. Father: "Stop that. Stop that. Stop that. What have you done? You have wiped out the whole summit party, including kicking the leader in the chest!" Lungealot: "I'm sorry, sometimes I get a bit carried away. I will try to fix things when I get back to Yosemite." Father: "You are from Yosemite? Camp 4? Are you from Camp 4? Very nice camp, Camp 4. Very good pig country." Lungelot: "Yes, I am one of the climbers of the Round Tent. I thought your son was a lady." Father: "I could understand that. Well, sit down and have a drink." At this point the Mazama class catches up the them and threatens to require certification and helmets for all climbers in the Pacific Northwest. Father: "Hold it. Lungelot: "Sorry. Sorry. Sometimes, I get carried away. Father-in-law-to-be: "He's killed the best man." Father: "This is Sir Lungelot from the court of Camp 4. A very brave and influential climber. Let's not bicker and argue.... I would like to think that I have gained a daughter." Father-in-law: "Look what about the dead prince. Well not quite dead." Lungealot's belayer appears and suggests that they should climb out of harms way, but Lungealot must escape in his own idiom and grabs a rope and does an incomplete pendulum leaving him hanging in space asking for a prussik sling. Cut to next scene. Arthur and his band continue their quest for 2 years. Winter sees the group of climbers stranded on Donner Pass where they are forced to eat Robbins' minstrels much to everyone's relief. On the side of a hill, explosions erupt. The party is marching through the mountains when there is a flare of a flame thrower on a distant peak followed by explosions. There is a man standing on top directing all the pyrotechnics. There is a large explosion and he disappears after flaming himself, but he reappears next to Arthur. Arthur: "What manner of man you can summon up fire without flint or tinder?" Enchanter nonchalantly points his finger and a wall of flame rises blocking sight of the chalk cliffs of Eldorado in the background. Arthur: "Are you the enchanter?" Old man: "There are some who call me,... Schneider the Enchanter. [slowly, slyly said] Schneider the Enchanter: "You seek the Holy Register?" Arthur: "A grail?" Schneider: "Yes, and you are Bruce (said slowly), I mean Arthur. (Faster) [Arthur looks surprised.] You may call me Bruce, I mean Tim." Arthur: "Yes, you are well informed; do you know our quest?" Schneider: "It is the search for the Holy Grail. Besides, the whole Usenet knows." Arthur nods up and down knowingly. Another flick of Tim's finger and a sign painter working erecting a billboard goes up in flames. Arthur: "Can you help us?" Schneider: "Yes, To the north lies the newsgroup of caving, wherein lies in mystic runes the last words of Enid the Pale. I will help you find the Caving FAQ wherein you will find the location of the Holy Grail. BUT! beware, the RFD for the Caving newsgroup is guarded by a fearsome creature and the bones of 40, 50 l-users lay strewn about its lair, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth." Pause. Schneider: "Follow if only yea be men of valour. It is the last resting place of most. Death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth." Arthur: "Didn't you just repeat yourself?" Schneider: "This is the Usenet after all." Marching along they pass another group of tourists discussing the relative grades in gyms versus outdoors. The consensus seems to be building that its all a capitalist plot to keep people indoors where they are closer to the snack bar. The Runes of Enid the Pale Random Sir Bruce the knight (they have a name for these kinds of characters in Star Trek): "Keep me covered." Schneider: "Too late." What? Where? Schneider: "There he is." Sir Galatrad: "WHAT?! What behind the Marmot? It's just a furry little Marmot" Schneider: "It is THE Marmot." Sir Bruce: "You silly sod. You got us all worked up. Schneider: "Well, that's no oh-orr-dinary marmot. That's the most foul cruel bad tempered rodent. It's got a vicous streak a mile wide." Sirs Bruce: "You manky Scots git." Schneider the enchanter: "YYYes, boot it's got huge, BIG teeth. He can leap about." The random climber approachs. Schneider: "LOOK!" pointing in the direction of the action. The marmot viciously attacks. Climber blood squirts everywhere. Schneider: "I warned you. But did you listen. No No. It's always the same. But do they listen to me.. No no...." King Arthur: "Right, charge." A mass attack on the marmot is mounted, but it begins to attack back. "Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!" "Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!" "Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!" "Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!" "Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!" Run away. King Arthur: "How did we lose? Galwain." Would it help to run away more? King Arthur: "Do we have bows?" Some Bruce shakes his head no. "Brother Maynard bring up the holy hand grenade." King Arthur: "Hum? What does the route go at?" Sir Lungealot: "Consult the holy guidebook" Sir Andrew: "Of course! The Holy guidebook of Stanage, t'is one of the relics that brother Moon carries" King Arthur: "Brother Moon, bring forth the Holy guidebook" Sir Moon: "Guidebook or araments, chapter 14, versus 1-5 - And Lo, the Lord Whillans did grade the route at E1 overall and the overall grade of the route shall be E1. The grade shall not be HVS, excepting that the second and third pitches continue at E1 and E2, neither shall it be E2, excepteth if thou climb the first pitches at HVS and E1. E1 shall be the gr...." "The route shall go at 5.10b. Neither 5.10a, nor 5.10c ..." Arthur: "WILL YOU STAY with a consistent rating system!?" Sir Lungealot: "Skip a bit brother." Moon: "And the Lord said, 'Take out the holy pin. Shalt thou count pitches to three. Four shalt thou not count. Five is right out. Two is not in. Toward thee foe shall snuff it.'" Sir Moon: "The pitches go at HVS, E1, E2" King Arthur (climbing) : "Right. HVS, E1, E4" Sir Lungealot "E2 sire." King Arthur: "E2." Arthur climbs the route and pulls the pin. Boom. The Marmot dies. Enter the caving newslist and slowly creep along until they come to the FAQ where they find chisled the last words of Enid the Pale. Chisled! And decorated with bits of lint. "Here are the last words of Enid the Pale After climbing the Bridge of Death the Holy Grail will be yours when you reach the Crag of Argggh." Arthur: "The crag of Argggh??" "He must have died while chisling it." Sir Galatrad: "Serves him right." Sir Lungelot: "Well perhaps he was dictating, and he died." Sir Galatrad: "Look out, it is the black beast." Suddenly there is a a noise in the darkness. Gratuteous flames. ( ) /\ _ ( \ | ( \ ( \.( ) _____ \ \ \ ` ` ) \ ( ___ / _ \ (_` \+ . x ( .\ \/ \____-----------/ (o) \_ - .- \+ ; ( O \____ ( THIS IS A FLAME!!! ) \_____________ ` \ / (__ +- .( -'.- <. -_ VVVVVVV VV V\/\ \/ (_____ ._._: <_ - <- _ (-- _AAAAAAA__A_/ / . /./.+- . .- / +-- - . \______________//_ \_______ (__ ' /x / x _/ ( \___' \ / , x / ( ' . / . / | \ / / / _/ / + / \/ ' (__/ / \ # Wow! Nice artwork. I want it. Is it copyrighted? # Sir Slime - Who needs a dragon once in a while. The black beast chases the Knights through the caving newslist and is just about to spam their site, when the newsfeed goes down thusly allowing our faithful knights to resume their journey. The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the holy summit register could continue. The Bridge of Death(!) Mist. The mighty King reaches a flat plateau, and walking across it in the mist finds a bridge spanning a chasm. Audience member: "Doesn't that bridge look a lot like the one in Cliffhanger?" Minor background climber: "Yes, this looks like Stallone's bolt gun," pointinf down at a contraption at their feet. [It saves money.] Through the mist appears a obtuse dihedral with an offwidth crack on flaky sandstone with no chance for protection, and at the bottom is a very pointy stump with a family of porcupines sunning themselves on it. Vultures circle overhead licking their chops (well you get the idea). Arthur: "He asks each traveller five questions." Sir Slime: "Three questions." Arthur: "Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril." [Climbing the Black Canyon with Layton Kor] Arthur offers the lead to Sir Robbins, but he waffles (quite good with Cloud Berries on them you know). Sir Robbins: "Why doesn't Lungalot?..." Sir Lungealot bravely steps forward to go first. "Just answer the five (three) questions." Cut across to the pair starting their conversation. The old man from scene 23 in the forest is standing at the bottom. Schneider the Enchanter guards the bridge: Schneider: "Stop. Who approaches the bridge of death? Answer me these questions three, ere this climb that you may free." Schneider: "What is your name?" Sir Bruce Lungelot, the Off Width. Schneider: What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. Schneider: What is your favorite SLCD? Friends Schneider: Okay. You can pass. Oh? Well, thank you. Thank you, very much. After answering the questions Lungealot is allowed to pass and stems his way up The Bridge of Death. Schneider: What is your name? Sir Bruce, the slime Schneider: What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. Schneider: What is phonolite porphyry? ("Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh........") # As Sir Bruce gets flung into the Gorge # of Eternal Peril. Next to try is Sir Galatrad Schneider: What is your name? Sir Galatrad of Camp Four # worried Schneider: What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail. Schneider: What is the breaking strength of a bowline? 3521 pounds. No wait, 4892 pounds. ("Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh........") # You have to improve your delivery: (with emphasis and an accent rolling # the rrr's) Schneider: *What* is yourrrr name?! Arthur. King climber from the Britons. Schneider: *WHAT* is yourrrr quest?! To find the Holiest of holys. Schneider: *WHAT* is the air speed of a cliff swallow?! ^^^^ African or Rocky Mountain? Schneider: Gee, I never thought about that.... ("Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh........") And the Enchanter is flung into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ... Bruce (stemming to catch up): How is it that you know so much about swallows? Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you are King of the climbers, you know. Bruce: Oh...! Arthur and Bruce start stemming over to the Bridge of Death. ^L Intermission. Screen filled with dancing candy and ice cream ^L Arthur and Bruce thrutch to the top and start looking for Sir Lungealot but give up and continue on their way Cut to Lungealot being frisked by park rangers and begin put in the back of one of their cars. On the far side, Arthur and the survivors walked until they reached a large body of water and a boat. Patey fearfully stepped onto the boat. The boat sailed itself [isn't this a climbing spoof? what's a boat doing here?] to an island. The climbers debarked. A sea stack stands before them. [Hey wait a minute, haven't they been going up all this time? Oh shit up.] Arthur starts up the climb and is doing an overhanging offwidth and is beginning to shake from the strain and the fear of runout pro. Suddenly a bright light appears and out comes a #11 hex which slots right in... Arthur is convinced that he has found the route. His spirits buoyed he sticks his head out from under the roof ... only to get a bag of chalk dumped in his face. Gregue: "Hello, English ka lime bees." Arthur: "How dare you profane this place. I thought you were in the desert." Gregue: "Zee trad zinks he can climb zee overhang? Ve do laps on zat for varmup, go back to your snowfields and leave zee real rocks alone." Arthur: "We demand entrance. Gregue: "English bed wetting types." At this point more dead cats are hurled down, and they retreat yet again. Arthur: "Walk away, just ignore them." Arthur turns to the French and shouts, "We will not rest until every route is ours, and we have climbed the Holy grail and claimed it for Yosemite." At the base, Arthur blows his horn and over the rise hundreds of porters appear carrying enough gear to mount a full scale siege on the mountain. Scenes of porters unrolling miles of fixed ropes, assembling rope ladders, loading bolt guns, sharpening ice axes, test swinging grappling hooks, and testing oxygen masks. The drum beat of martial music plays to get every one in step. Porters haul loads, swept away by avalances, seracs falling on them... "Foward, hut, two, three, four.... hut, two,..." The massive expedition starts towards the base of the cliffs. Suddenly, a car from the Park Service appears. Next to it a paddy wagon from the Federal Communications Commission. From the car steps out a pair of Rangers and a old lady that had been seen before in the back of an RV watching Oprah. She points toward Arthur and Bruce and says: "Them's the ones. They were the ones that left chalk marks on that nice cliff back there. I thought we had spots on our windows, when I first saw that." "I see. (turns to the climbers) Come on. Come on. Wasting bandwidth and commercializing the net - into the wagon with you," says the net.ranger over a portable loud speaker with the squelch set too high. A second ranger: "BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!" The net.rangers come over and handcuff Arthur and Bruce, put them in the back of the wagon and tell all the porters to break it up and just go home. THE END (followed by pages of blank lines that you will of course wade through just in the hopes of catching the clever little trailer which we outsmarted you by not including). END OF FILE From: lindell@unirsvl.rsvl.unisys.com (Steve Lindell ) I like this, it makes me thankful for my fuzzy rope. Maybe I should go back to my orginal instructors comments after he issued the leather shoulder patches - he made the comment that we would discover a reason that lederhosen are popular among mountaineers (dating myself a bit - tell a modern climber to rapell without any gear beyond a rope and see how long before the lycra melts). Quoth Jerry Bargo: "We are the climbers who say 'Dhuuuude'." Quote Tony Bubb: "If you wish to pass the approach, you must bring us some.... Lycra." Newsgroups: rec.climbing From: al@debra.dgbt.doc.ca (Al Black) Subject: Re: Lightning detectors from ARA The rec.climbing.softbody FAQ. Q: How can I tell if there is lightning where I am climbing, or should I buy some fancy dancy proprietary-technology lightning detectors advertised on rec.climbing? A: Although rec.climbing.softbodies are generally supportive of solving problems by throwing away a whack of cash (better climbing through credit), we found that ARA products did not outperform other methods of detecting lightning. We followed the usual stringent rec.climbing.softbody testing methods: we read some signal detection theory, drank some beer, sampled donuts, and watched some videos of ropes breaking. Then we drove to Colorado and did the same, but this time we were looking for lightning! In order of performance, our testers comments about the various methods of detecting lightning. Listening for thunder. ---------------------- Far, far, far, too many false positives. Some of the testers thought the problem could be lessened by switching to a lighter beer. We'll leave the testing of that theory up to the rec.climbing.skinny.buggers.who.wear.lycra team. Looking for hair standing on end. --------------------------------- Again too many false positives. Lighting, fear, and a lack of quality hair conditioning products all can lead to a person's hair standing on end. (Of course, all three are legitimate reasons for bailing off a climb.) Watching St. Elmos Fire. ------------------------ A pleasant movie. We didn't detect any lightning with it though. Watching partner turn to crisp. ------------------------------- A highly disputed method -- exactly half the testers liked it. We took some leaders, equiped them with a full rack, ice axes, a wet rope, and then wrapped them tinfoil. Sure enough, if there was lightning around we were able to detect it. The ARA Super Duper X-3.14N excellent lightning detector. ------------------------------------------------------- At seven hundred and twenty pounds, we couldn't get it out of the van let alone climb with it. But it did detect lightning! The ARA not so Super Duper P-00f lightning detector. ---------------------------------------------------- The lightweight key, string, and kite approach to lightning detection has a history of reliable detection and used properly can also protect offwidths. Some testers did complain a lot about being pulled of cliffs by the device in stormy conditions. Listening to A.M. Band radio. ----------------------------- A surpizing winner. We duct taped a small portable radio to the ear of one of the testers and found that he could accuarately dectect lightning by listening to static and weather reports on local stations. By the end of the week we were all wearing them. There were some other benifits: a) it worked as a passive caming device making head jams more secure. b) it made us more dynamic climbers. c) we had up to date sports scores. We have patented the idea, but since we are no longer designing gear for Verve, anyone is free to use it. >Airborne Research Associates Great name for a climbing club eh? with cc and explanation to nostrike@news.holonet.net (Ralph Markson) and a note about ads. Ha! NooooBooooody expects the rec.climbing inquisition! (esp. an aoler). Cardinal Miya -- the bomber bollard... Bishop Bubb -- the tricam... Bishops Grey, Harrington, McCann, Slime, and Stern -- the pointed wit. CKAHTEE... CONFESS to your multitude of rock sins: Have you taken the name of "Robbins" in vain? cheers al (a python cascade that is what this thread needs.) -- al@debra.dgbt.doc.ca ae677@freenet.carleton.ca